I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
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