I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Randomize
