Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Dick very happy bro
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
