someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
