how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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