It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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