Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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