If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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