U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
