I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
