i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
