Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize