I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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