bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
