no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
