There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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