I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
i think i scared a bird with my dick
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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