Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
