Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Randomize
