i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Randomize
