yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I cut my penus on the lid.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
