6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
