I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Randomize
