i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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