listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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