Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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