I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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