When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
