New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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