Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
