it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Found the puke drawer
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
