my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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