If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
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