your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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