i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
