I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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