when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
the raccoons are back...
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