I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
oh posh. I need a real boy. To fill my void. This guy has potential. He is a Republican.
***** and i were talking about Republicans today. They are usually the champs of mediocrity but we decided mediocrity is underrated.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
