hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
