i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
