first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Randomize
