when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Randomize
