my phone needs a breathalizer
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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