dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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