I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
