I want to have your abortion
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
