he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
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