honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize