You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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