You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
