sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
