i don't plan on having that self control this summer
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
