I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
