You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
