I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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