We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
