I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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