Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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