I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
