Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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