After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
I smell stomach acid.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
You are the jesus of drinking
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
