I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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